Monday, August 21, 2006
5.8.06
Saying goodbye to my TA class was bad. It was sad and disorientating for me. I’m bad at goodbyes. I never know what to say—nothing I say is ever enough to express myself. And I never know what it really is that I want to say. Something in me is always in denial that this is it, even though it obviously is. I always feel as if we will meet again, virtually or otherwise. The ease of communication makes me feel like there will never be a complete parting. Peter Kim and I talked about it, when I by chance got stranded in the boys’ room on the 4th floor after the power suddenly went out again. He’s gonna be leaving on the 14th, which means that we won’t be seeing him at debrief. So this might be the last time that I see him, at least till I fulfill my promise to visit the US. I never really got to know him well and feel it’s a pity, cos he’s a really funny guy and I would love to talk to him more. He was at beishida for the 1st camp. I only got to hang out with him more in this camp, cos he was a teacher. But even then, we were so busy that there was little time to have conversations. Its exasperating. On the one hand, it seems like there’s so much time to get to know this whole team really well, and we’re all so united and feel as if I could talk to anyone about anything, but on the other hand, when I think about it, I really havn’t known some of the people for more than a week, and had more than a few conversations. Its just the general gum-ness of the group and the fact that we are related to each other by something deeper and spiritual, that gives this false sense of being close. I wish terribly that I had more time. As I was telling liz, I feel like given enough time, everyone here had the potential to become a really good friend. There has been no other social situation in which I find myself thinking that. Often, given a random sample of people, the ones that I think are “worth getting to know better” are a minority. I know that that sounds horribly exclusive and judgemental, but everyone does that—and its impossible to become best friends with everyone, hence unrealistic to try and invest the same amount or nature of time and energy in every single relationship. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think that every one in this group would be worth me investing the same kind of time and energy to get to know. So, every time a camp ends or a splitting of teams occurs, I feel a strange, unreasonable sense of dread for what will inevitably soon come. Its almost like all the small partings are a foreshadowing of the fact that in a couple of weeks’ time, we will all go our separate ways and possibly never see each other again.
Posted by i confound myself at 9:34 am
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