Monday, October 17, 2005
deja vu
how many times must i make the same mistake before i learn? today i spoke with my tutor regarding the change. i felt, for the first time, really sure about what i was saying. i think he was really nice about it, especially when i told him there really is no great reason that i want to do art history, i just want to do it. he approved. but its going to be really hard, another logistical nightmare. this reputation just goes ahead of me.but really, now that i've thought and prayed about it, i'm not placing undue stress and emphasis on whether or not i can change. after all, i think its all just going to be up to god and what/where he wants me to go. i think my currrent situation is a HUGE improvement from what i was in last week. a big mess of dilemmas, what with leaving cambridge, and going back, or possibly the US, and parsons which has accepted me again, or maybe running off to london, central st martins, the stress was endless. then finally i realised, what is this all about? why am i killing myself and missing out on all the good things here and now that god wants me to see, learn or enjoy? i don't think that, regardless of what he wants me to do for a course, this is what he wants me to do with my time. so anyway, to cut a long story short, i have decided to base my entire decision on him. is there anything that's hindering me from being close to god now? is there any way that i can be in a better position to serve him? if the answer is yes, then change is right. if the answer is no, and change is simply escapism or greed, then why fret over a thousand opportunity costs that no one, not in a thousand years, could ever find all the time, money or energy to enjoy?
so now i made the decision, the verdict no longer lies with me. st caths, as it chances, is the only college in cambridge that doesn't offer art history. so if i get it, then its meant for me. if i don't, well hey, i actually quite like that donahue v. stevenson one?
Posted by i confound myself at 5:53 pm
Sunday, October 09, 2005
today was the most beautiful day in the history of my being here. the sun was out all morning and afternoon, and there was not a cloud, not one shred of it. i went to church with kelvin and michelle. it was, surprisingly, somehow alot like gbc. it really felt comfortable, and i have a feeling i'll stick around. the message was about idols in life, which is an oft-heard one and not quite the thing i wanted to hear, but well the speaker was good. the songs were good too. i didn't know half of them, but the worship style works for me, with a mix of hymns and contemporary stuff, and you can clap and all. very gbc sec.after that, i went rowing! that was really fun, even though i couln't obviously do it very well. it feels like something i would like to be good at. like canoeing. i think i just like water too much. i find that sports and sports teams make everything so much better. after football yesterday, i just had this extra measure of optimism and energy. sports people are, to be so sterotypical, somehow less petty, close-minded, cliquish or quick to judge. or, people who are grouped, for that 1 or 2 hours, for the purpose of playing sports. perhaps that is a better way to describe it, since almost everyone, even bitchy lawyers, can be a sportsperson at some point in time. maybe the idea of having a common goal or a goal other than shit real life helps. on my way back from the boathouse, i took a long route, biking along the cam and through jesus green. it was the most beautiful bike ride i've ever taken. the grass and the sky just rolled out, and on the edge was the river and the old pubs with old men sitting by them, people fishing, people picknicking. simply postcard. sometimes i feel that the beauty of this place has just eluded me; how i wish i could just be here to enjoy it and nothing else! if only i could just forget about hating my course and my opportunity costs, maybe i would find more inspiration here. i mean, i guess i'm not in new york city for a reason!
Posted by i confound myself at 5:39 pm
Friday, October 07, 2005
skcratchpad: "BlogThis"i am, amazingly, still sober enough to write this. my alcohol tolerance was never anything to shout about, but i know when to stop, thank god for that. the rest of them were getting sick all over the damn place and had to be carried back by random guys who were, unfortunately, almost equally drunk. a motley bunch of pissed lawyers.
admittedly, pub crawls are ugly, unglamorous affairs. probably invented by either the local pub owners in cahoots with random guys who want to get pissed and then laid. we visited 7 pubs in all; they're all around town center and (fortunately or unfortunately), tantalizingly close to st caths. actually, minus the general chaos and the totally unreasonable keeness of everyone to get drunk as soon as they possibly could, the local pubs are actually nice places. mostly small and cosy, with a nice towny feel, many old. i;;m sure the local people ( not the students) hate us for coming in and destroying the peace. they sit in corners of the pubs and look very marginalized indeed.
anyway, the worst thing i had was to down a tequila, which came kind of as a last straw after anchers at catz, a white russian ( i admit, that one was really good) at eagle, and arches, malibu and vodka shots at other places that i fail to remember. they gave me a big lime after that, to shut me up. my team really wanted to win, cos kirsten is a hardcore drinker and her team always wins, but well i intended to jeopardize the whole thing from the start. no way was i going to down ALL the hardcore stuff. can you believe they actually bothered to get us in groups and have scoresheets? see, for this kind of thing, they suddenly get SO uncharacteristically organized.
anyway, i've begun to realise that there are too many people in uni to bother with, so i just hang out with people who are worth my while. its so tiring having to deal with work, people, and most of all, life. llife as in washing up after everything, groceries, banking, laundry, etc etc. work has been a nightmare. its just coming in barrages; there''s no time to think or even appreciate the wonder and beauty of whatever a uni/camb education is supposed to fill you with. its just a landslide. this place conjures very first-3-mth vibes. the endless partying but the closet mugging underneath. i hope though, both for myself and the people concerned, that history will NOT repeat itself and this will not be the first and last 3 months.
otherwise, alot more work is in store.
