Saturday, August 13, 2005
in the broken down jacuzzi under a starless, haze-choked KL sky, em and i had the most amazingly enlightening discussion last night. well, enlightening for me, at least. it was so interesting that i can't even begin to repeat what we covered. tony attributes it to "something about women taking off their clothes and getting into a hot tub", which, come to think of it, was what happened in cebu as well. you get to know people alot better in hot tubs, and are usually the better off for it. anyway, it was pretty cathartic, especially after the rotten day that i'd had, the sum total of bad air, retarded food, a shopping trip (the one and only) skipped in favour of the promise of a complimentary shang spa, which later turned out to be fully booked. and of course, a whole lot of what i felt to be bullshitting going on. i guess you have to determine to get out of ruts, and make the most of moments. the minute i decided that, conversation happened.talking about why i think the way i do, made me more aware of the reasons. and somehow, its made me accept it more, whatever that's worth. isn't it strange, having to give yourself a reason to accept yourself? and talking to other ppl about why they think the way they do really gets you understanding them, and even others, a whole lot more. if i could get under the brains of everyone around me, and find out the "back-stories" behind their behavior, i would never have cause to get annoyed, irritated or angry. anyway, most of the time when we get annoyed, irritated or angry, its because we fail to find the reason, or even bother to consider the presence of one.
for me, one of the most interesting things i learned was how people can exist in totally different paradigms in their minds, which you can't even begin to imagine even by observing them very closely. yes, people have different styles of doing things, but how often do you actually bother to sit down and analyse their behavior? you, or i at least, just assume that that's the way they are. but that is the great big injustice that we all do to each other, and often, even to ourselves. everything is based on a reason, even if its a subconscious one. and as long as there's a reason, it is worth something.
its interesting, cos some time ago, when i decided to stop moping, i asked, or rather bargained, that god give me a reason. the reason for why i was doing what and going where i was. today he gave me a reason- the reason why i want to do everything the hard and bizarre way, why i feel the need to come up with my own explanation for every damned thing, why i worship design the way i do and still somehow want to do law, and why i get so disproportionately angry when people bullshit. strategic people, let me emphasize. people who are suppposed to "get it". the rest of the world can go and dig trenches and tunnels and crypts of lies for all i care. but i really worship the "getting it", the idea, the ratio decidendi that will just nail everything there is, and most of all, the thrill of getting it. and i refuse to believe that there aren't people who can and will fight for that, in spite of everything.
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